“My child can do no
work unless I am next to him!”
“Why can’t my child do
work properly without me?!”
This realization dawns on many parents after many
years of sitting with their little children to get homework done. Then comes
the frustration of weaning the children away from parental presence and
parental supervision.
So, how does this reliance develop? What can be
done to prevent this reliance? These are the questions this article will
attempt to answer.
How Does This Reliance Develop?
Psychological
Dependence is defined “as an emotional need for a drug or
substance that has no underlying physical need. For example, people who stop
smoking recover physically in a short time. The emotional need for nicotine,
however, is much more difficult to overcome. They continually think they need
the nicotine to stay calm even though there is no physical need. The drug for
the addict is similar to what a security blanket would be for a child (or some
adults).” This definition was taken from HERE.
Of course, a parent is not a drug nor a substance.
A parent is more like a security blanket, especially for a child faced with
stacks and stacks of unpleasant homework.
The seeds of a dependency are sown in Primary 1. In
Primary 1, parents think nothing of sitting next to their children to get
homework done. In Primary 1 (or below) parents are there to ensure that the
little tots don’t get up and run about. This fulfills a physical need. It
also fulfills an emotional need. Just like in nicotine addiction, parental
presence fulfills a physical need and an emotional need.
Older children are quite capable of sitting still.
They don’t need parents to ensure they physically sit down. However, the
emotional need for the parent’s physical presence does not go away. This is
like a rehabilitated smoker no longer physically dependent on nicotine, but who
still experiences an emotional need to hold a cigarette.
It just feels so right to be holding that
cigarette between the lips or fingers. It just feels so right to have Mommy
sitting next to me when I do my homework. It feels wrong when Mommy isn’t
there. I feel restless and fidgety… like an ex-smoker without a cigarette in
hand.
What Can Be Done To Prevent This Reliance?
Do not sit next to your
child from Day 1 in Primary 1.
Seat your child face to a wall. Ensure there are
no distracting movements to the left and right of the child’s visual field. Ensure
that there are no distracting noises. The child is in a sort of bubble of his
own.
Sit 3m to 5m BEHIND your child. Make yourself
comfortable. Read your iPad. Watch Youtube. Work on your laptop. Cut your
carrots. Do your knitting or sewing.
Your child cannot see you. You can see your child.
When you do this, you remove yourself from the child’s visual field. Yet, you
are still there to ensure that the child does his work diligently. Your child
does not have a chance to get used to SEEING you next to him.
This is a precursor to
working independently.
For the little ones who cannot focus for long
periods, give them short feedback
loops: enough work to last 5 minutes. Then, require them to bring it
over to show you. Praise them
and send them back for the next loop. DO NOT walk over to where they are. They
walk over to you. There are 2 reasons for this. Firstly, physical movement
(i.e., walking to you) is a welcome relief to a child facing a mound of work. Secondly,
you must always stay outside their visual field.
Gradually, as your children grow older and better
able to physically sit still, you expand the envelope of time. Give them work that
lasts 10 minutes before they come and show you. Lengthen that to 15 minutes…
and eventually to an hour. Please note
that I did not write “Tell the child to work for 5 minutes or 10 minutes or an
hour.” I wrote “Give them work that lasts 10 minutes… 5 minutes… an hour.” See
the table below for examples of such work…
Time
|
Work
|
5 minutes
|
Come and show me after every 1 sum.
|
10 minutes
|
Come and show me after every 2 sums.
|
15 minutes
|
Come and show me after every 3 sums.
|
20 minutes
|
Come and show me after every 4 sums.
|
Be the time your child has been trained to focus
for an hour (without you in sight), there are high chances that some time
within that hour, the child is too engrossed in his task to feel your presence
behind him.
If you move quietly, you might be able to scoot
off to the kitchen to get yourself a vodka martini, and then come back. Your
child might not even know. If he does know, he is not focusing deeply enough.
In that case, give your child a pair of earphones that will play soft ambient
music into his ears. This will really ensure that your child has no physical
way to detect your presence in the room.
In short, you can detect your child’s presence.
Your child has no way to detect your presence, and thus, will never grow
reliant on it.
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